Dear "Olivia,"

A Word From THE Chick Norris:



Be warned Blog readers, I’m about to go Team Whitlock.

I received the following review of my story Finding Me. I’ll invite all of you to give it a read. I don’t give a shit about upping my numbers, just read it don’t review...read. I want you all to be able to form your own opinions. Then take a look-see at this review, which I cut and pasted directly from my inbox:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new review/comment has been submitted to your story.
Story: Finding Me
Chapter: 6. Chapter 6: Reminiscence
From: Olivia ()
-------------------
I have got to hand it to you. You have certainly managed to emasculate Jasper
very early on; in the first chapter, no less.
On another note, why do people continue to think it’s a good idea to turn
Jasper, a mature adult vampire, into an obnoxious man-child? I’m sorry, but
I fail to see the appeal.
Case and point:
"Just know that if you rip off my pinkie, I'm tellin' Mom that you snuck out
the house, hunted me down, and started botherin' me."
As if that wasn’t bad enough:
"M-m-m-mom, R-r-rose took off my finger!" I meant what I said in the forest to
Rose, I had every intention of getting her in trouble with Esme.
They’re not actual children. So again, why do they always act like a bunch
of immature teenagers in most of these newer stories? Hell, they didn’t even
stoop that low in the actual books. I swear, these newer Jasper/Bella stories
get progressively worse each time I read one. This story reiterates everything
that is wrong with some of these newer stories. Such a shame, really.
Well, on a positive note, this story is good for one thing, if nothing else,
and that’s a good laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personally, I laughed my ASS off when I got this review. It’s the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I started posting this story back in August, and it’s been rec’ed on a couple of blogs. I’ve had anon review enabled the entire time. This is the first negative review I’ve received.

All this review shows me is that I have a reader that is completely ignorant with regards to interpersonal relationships and the camaraderie between adult siblings. The fact that the reviewer has a habit of attacking author’s in this anon way lets me know that I in fact have what I’m sure will turn out to be a persistent pain in my ass. The anon nature of the review simply screams “Bully” and “Coward”. This “Olivia”, or whichever of the many monkiers that she has used in the past to bully (to the point of what I’d consider stalking) my very own Twitter Twin, DarkNnerdy, does not have the courage or the honor to provide her opinions in a manner that allows us, the author’s, to open up a dialogue. She simply wants to attack.

So, to “Olivia’s” mode of communication I say:

BRING IT. I’ve been to the depths of HELL and come out stronger. There is nothing that you can say or do that will compare. In fact, I welcome your attacks. Dare I say, I CRAVE them. Your paltry words amuse me. You won’t make me stop writing, and you DAMN sure aren’t affecting my self-confidence. I write a damn good Jasper. How do I know this? Because I relate to his character in more ways than a coward like you could ever understand. I volunteered to go to battle, and ended up in Hell. Since I still carry the core values of Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in All We Do very close to my heart, I know that you aren’t now, or ever have been a member of the armed forces, and therefore can not truly understand the Hell of war. By the way, it was my pleasure to dodge bullets, rockets, mortars, and IEDs to provide you with this opportunity to voice your opinion.

Now, to respond to the concerns that you’ve mentioned in your review. That is, after all, the point of a review. An open and honest method of communicating.

You have certainly managed to emasculate Jasper very early on; in the first chapter, no less.

Have you ever had to kill someone? I have. It leaves a scar that’s so deep on your soul that every single time you tap into the fear or anger that’s inherent in us all that scar rips wide open and the horror of what you’ve had to do in order to survive consumes you. It’s a very emasculating experience to have so much fear, so much hate, and the helplessness that you feel coursing through you. So to you I say, very astute observation. Not many of my readers have been able to pull just how emasculating, embarrassing, and painful the entire “birthday party” experience was for Jasper.

On another note, why do people continue to think it’s a good idea to turn
Jasper, a mature adult vampire, into an obnoxious man-child? I’m sorry, but
I fail to see the appeal.
Case and point:
"Just know that if you rip off my pinkie, I'm tellin' Mom that you snuck out
the house, hunted me down, and started botherin' me."
As if that wasn’t bad enough:
"M-m-m-mom, R-r-rose took off my finger!" I meant what I said in the forest to
Rose, I had every intention of getting her in trouble with Esme.
They’re not actual children. So again, why do they always act like a bunch
of immature teenagers in most of these newer stories?

You are obviously an only child so I will explain a little to you about adult siblings. While they are in fact adults, who think and act like adults most of the time there are occasions where they may revert back to childhood habits, teasing, and relationship dynamics. This is perfectly normal. A good example would be the 20 year old Bart Simpson novelty soap that my brother and I still gift each other each Christmas. Another good example would be when my sister and I visit our parents at the same time and, in jest, try to get them to declare one of us their favorite child. I just hate that you didn’t feel that this translated well into my story. Although I noticed that you failed to quote the internal dialogue that Jasper was having just prior to the spoken parts that you seemed to focus on. Perhaps if you had truly read the story, you would have picked up on the not so subtle hints at the joking nature of the phrases that seem to have bothered you so much.

Hell, they didn’t even
stoop that low in the actual books. I swear, these newer Jasper/Bella stories
get progressively worse each time I read one. This story reiterates everything
that is wrong with some of these newer stories. Such a shame, really.
Well, on a positive note, this story is good for one thing, if nothing else,
and that’s a good laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

Now, when I get a reviewer that has questions or concerns, I like to ensure that my review responses address each and ever concern my reader has. This last bit of your review however does not really have any questions or concerns. It seems to just be a copy and paste version of your favorite derogatory phrases and attacks. Again I say to you...BRING IT. The pen truly is mightier than the sword, so you keep chopping away at me with your little sword, and I can promise that I will wield my pen to continue writing this story that I, and many others love and enjoy. And rest assured, even though you are too cowardly to simply review and open a dialogue, you will ALWAYS have your reviews answered by me. My pen is pretty damn potent, and I’m not afraid to use it. And so I thank you, for your review. Perhaps, as you continue reading this story, your testicles will descend and you will create an account with which to sign your reviews.

NOW...

Oh, I’m not done yet folks.

This shit is getting pretty damn old. This "Olivia" joker has only pissed me off because of her prior attacks on MY DarkNnerdy. Now, Nerdy has had the full backing of the fandom on this one because she is a fuck-awesome writer. Several members of the fandom have contacted FanFiction.Net with regard to the personal nature of some of the reviews that “Olivia” has left. FanFiction.Net’s response has been less than lack luster. In fact, I found their response, or lack thereof even more offensive than “Olivia’s” blatant bullying. FanFiction.Net has no sort of reporting method for anon reviewers. Anon reviewers are completely free to personally attack writers without experiencing any reprocussions. This is disgusting. FanFiction.Net, grow a set. Provide your writers a minimal amount of protection. There is such a thing as cyber-bullying, and you are encouraging it with your lack of actions. You don’t even offer a method for reporting the anon reviewers. Now, I run a website myself and I know for a fact that it is quite simple to track the IP addresses that are accessing your site. In fact, it’s quite easy to narrow down an IP address to a specific city and provider, and method of connection, and if it’s a mobile device even the type of device. So FanFiction.Net, congratulations on being the only supporter of Cyber-Bullies that I have ever heard of. You should be more ashamed than the anon cyber bullies that you love so much.

Thanks to all of you that expressed outrage at this review and let me know of your support. I appreciate it. Just know that it takes WAY more than a pussy-ass anon review to slow me down. But that’s just me, and that’s what makes me so mad. I’m a confident woman. There are a shit ton of authors that are still teenaged girls, young and insecure like we all were at that stage in our lives. They most likely have poured themselves into their writing, and would take comments such as “Olivia’s” to heart instead of recognizing them as the words of a bully. To those girls I would say, give reviewers like “Olivia” the good ole Whitlock Salute and keep writing.

-Chick


A Word From Chick’s Beta:

To that which is against my author,

You know, one, I hate you little anon bitches. Make a mother fucking account so when you sit there and spew shit, we can respond to you without resorting to extreme measures to put your ass in place as you had tried to do ‘my’ author.

Now one, ‘THE Chick Norris,” is a brand new author. She is doing a story that popped a little plot bunny inside her head. I’ve met new authors who think a story’s chapter alone is 1k long and has no proper English within it. How dare you sit there, knowing she is a new author and say anything of the sort about how she writes a story. While I believe constructive criticism is how we all learn and get better, I’ll be damned if I just sit here and have some ‘bitch’ whose biggest word she knows is ‘ridiculousness’ try and tare someone they don’t know, will never know or care about ‘down to size.’

So, you don’t like to story. Good for you, just go on your way because it’s kind of funny. 9 chapters in, 210 reviews and counting (And 98% of them love the story might I add. I’ve read every review there is.) and here comes ‘Miss/Mrs/Ms know it all” to talk shit as though the shit she is saying and thinking doesn’t smell. Guess what bitch it does. And while we all know it does, let me tell you this. My steel-toe boot will stink of it when I walk all over your ass. How dare you try and cut someone down? You think you’re better then the 209 other people who reviewed? Then you’re seriously living in wonderland and I want some of those damn happy pills

If “The Chick Norris” who I know as Chick was bull-shit at writing not only would she NOT have me as a beta, but she wouldn’t be someway (or completely, I’ve been away for a bit due to my own health) involved with any other authors, and other groups that have brought about some of the greatest stories there is on F.F. and other places. People would kill to become a part of them if they are writers, and with all of their stories ranging in over 1k reviews and some at even 2k (If I remember write) I’m wondering with all of this knowledge just how the fuck you come up with the bull-shit you left as a review. More so, I’m kind of pissed at the lengths we have to go to tell you to go stick it up your fucking ass (even though you most likely like that kind of thing) and twirl that shit around while you do. Fucking anon idiots, your good for nothing for you nothing more than a damn coward.

If Chick was bull-shit, I’ll say it again, I wouldn’t be her ‘beta’. I enjoy helping Chick, going through her chapters again and again. Speaking of plot (Which is a great fucking idea thank you very much) and so on. I’m one of the few with the ‘inside look’ because of what I do for her. Not only has she come a long way since I first started working with her, but her ideas are becoming much more complex and interesting, which is how it’s supposed to be with all writers, especially the new ones.

So I really don’t know where the hell you get off. But let’s tare you down to size for a moment. Let’s put it all this way you stupid little ‘pedal’ (Sorry Hammerhips will get that one). I won’t put up with anyone doing anything more than constructive criticism to any of these girls that I’ve met and in away become a part of. I’ve been editing stories in real life and online for fan fiction for ten years now (and just started twilight because of the large demand) I know what’s good and what’s not. The next time you or any ‘group’ of people want to come along and screw with any of these girls, know, you’ll have a fight. And that fight you’ll bring with be won on my side. So take your little words that are meant to harm and find someone else to fuck with. Like your own stories. Cause that’s why you’re anon isn’t it? You don’t want us to see you’re a net speak little fucker who couldn’t write a story if they were paid all the money in the world to do so.

You should know the golden rule. And now you should know, this beta, she’s loyal to what is made hers. So back off. Grow up. Take your balls out of your fucking ass and stop being a damn coward. Or I’ll go and speak to Peter and sick him on your ass =) lmao.

Julianna Moon-Blood Nightingale.

( Known as Juliannanight on every damn website practically for fan fiction as a beta. This has not been edited in any fashion by me. Written from the heart, so tare it down all you want, I already know all the ‘beta’ problems within it, smart ones. I won‘t be a coward and not sign this with something that allows you to actually go to where I can be found.)

A Word From Chick’s Wifey:

Seeing a flame always pains me, pisses me off and makes me wonder what the hell problem these people have that they can’t voice their opinions without resorting to bullies tactics and insults. It makes me wonder what they’re missing in their lives to literally go out of their way to post their distaste for the story over and over again. It also makes me question their IQ. You see, this is what has happened to my good friend and crazy co-hort, DarkNnerdy and my amazing Beta and Treacle, Mynxi. ‘Olivia’ has made sure to review each and every chapter with an ever escalating flame. Now, my question is...what’s the point? Really...STOP READING THE STORY.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, hell I welcome diversity and hate the sheep mentality. But there is nothing I hate more than a bully and that, ‘Olivia’, is exactly what you are. And now you’ve chosen to grace my Wifey with your presence in her reviews.

And that shit just ain’t gonna fly.

I've read the review, and I can safely say that you completely missed the point. Isn’t Jasper allowed to be playful, to wind his ‘sister’ up, to take the piss? They were not being serious and that point was painfully obvious when reading the chapter. I certainly thought so when I first read it. And if you would take any note of where the story is headed, Jasper’s state of mind, then it is also obvious that this is a journey for him to take. I've said this before, many times, but THE Chick Norris’ Jasper is one of the very best that I have ever read. And trust me when I say that I've read a lot. His mind, his thoughts, personality, worries, wars within himself...all of that and she portrays them with a talent that has often astounded me.

That said, it is up to an individual what they think or feel about a piece of writing. Not everyone will agree with my estimation, but what gets my knickers in a bunch is that you don’t seem to be able to voice your opinion without flaming. It really is that simple.



Flames = BAD ConCrit = GOOD and WORTHWHILE




I can safely say that your apparent need to spread your misery and ill will around the Fandom is both sickening and pathetic. What is more disgusting is that you chose to do this anonymously, the sheer cheek of it is awe inspiring. Seriously, personally, if you’re going to have such harsh ideas that you continue to review with...then have the grace and character to do so with an email or hell, use your real account. It’s...pathetic in the extreme.

My advice to you is very simple; GET A LIFE.

And accept the criticism when it’s thrown back at you, but then it doesn’t surprise me that you’re a hypocrite. So please cease and desist, take your insults and scathing words and shove them where the sun don’t shine. Unfortunately, I know that you won’t...I think that you enjoy this, well let me tell you something. We get a great laugh out of you and your reviews. :D

The LemonAid Stand #1

*waves*

Welcome to The Lemonade Stand.

THE Chick Norris here, but you can call me Chick. I might be slightly insane, so you may want to proceed with caution. I have a tendency to kick ass first, and then worry about minor details like ‘why’ later. I’m not a “dainty little lady” so you won’t be getting that here at The Lemonade Stand. I call it like I see it. And I ramble...a lot.

Since I’m a self-proclaimed pornh00r, I’ll be your guide through the wonderful world of lemons. I know lemons, and I can pick and write good ones. For those of you that may have a little doubt, let me provide you with a quick taste of my abilities.

I felt his lips close around my nipple, his tongue flicking across its tip and I couldn’t contain the moan that escaped my lips. I reached for him, pulling him closer to me, needing to feel him moving inside of me. I gasped out his name and he chuckled as he kissed his way up my neck. His breath caressing my ear he slowly entered me with a groan.

I plan on finding and sharing good lemons with you, reviewing lemons, passing on some lemon writing tips, basically if it has to do with writing about sex it’s up for grabs. (You guys should know, I snickered as I wrote that...grabs.)

Now I count myself a VERY lucky lady, cause my fic wife, our very own GemmaLisax is the Queen of Lemons. In fact, it was my review of one of her lemons that was our first contact...but, I’m not here to walk down memory lane.

He bit down on my nipple and began to suck at the same time he plunged two fingers into me, so deep, so sure, so strong, and so...so...good. I screamed, first in pain and shock from the bite, then in pleasure at everything he was doing to me. One last swipe at my breast and he brought his mouth back to mine, still moving his fingers, curving them slightly in order to gain access to my clit and then again as he pressed up and set me on fire as my climax built suddenly and spilled over, filling me with tremors and euphoria.

“So beautiful,” he murmured, against my lips. “So perfect.”

And then he was inside me, completely and utterly, I hadn’t even seen him strip. He was so very hard, pumping and thrusting, rolling against my clit, hitting my cervix and sending wave after wave of pleasure spanning out from my sex.

That’s an excerpt from her smokin’ hot fic Spontaneous Combustion. Now...don’t you want to be that gal? See, that’s the essence of a really good lemon. You can envision yourself experiencing what the character is experiencing. But it’s still more than that.

I think that the single most important thing in a really good lemon; the thing that can take a good lemon and make it really great is the build up. Lemons are sex. It’s not very often that you just dive straight in to intercourse, you’ll usually have a little foreplay. Even if the foreplay is all in your mind, it’s still there. So why in a story would the characters dive right into it?

They wouldn’t, or rather, they shouldn’t. There should be subtle innuendos, innocent touches, longing. These things, spread out before the lemon builds the sexual tension between the characters. That’s real sex. That’s sex that folks can imagine. That’s sex that folks want to be having.

And for the love of the Great Grilled Chesus...keep it real. I just hate reading a lemon where the character’s sex is unrealistic. One of my favorite examples of “keeping it real” comes from Stitchcat’s Not All Who Wander Are Lost.

This time we took it a little bit slower, but not by much. It was still pretty hot sex, but we were havin' plenty of fun too. I already knew she was ticklish, she found out I like my nipple ring bein' pulled on lightly with her teeth. She loved it when I grabbed her ass, and I loved it too. Even when she was ridin' me for all she was worth – and doin' a damn fine job – both of us sweaty and pantin', she didn't let a pussyfart put her off. She looked me right in the eye, grinned and said "Well THAT never happened before, you must be big huh?". And just like that we were right back at it.

A pussyfart in a lemon, and it’s still hot as fuck. See, that’s a good damn lemon. It’s real. You don’t have to admit it to anyone, but you know deep down inside...sex is a sloppy, wet mess. A fun mess, but a mess nonetheless.

If you ever need a good example how NOT to write a lemon, check out Virginal Dominatrix of Love by the fabulous collaborative team The Clan of Redundancy Clan. They wrote this crackfic as a “What not to write in a lemon” exercise (according to their Author’s Note) and hot damn if they didn’t hit the nail on the head.

Her moistened flower was opening just for him, and she needed, wanted, desireth, ached for him to pollinate her for all he was worth and then more. "On the bed," she said in a sexually commanding voice that portrayed her innocence as well, "Now!"

I’m not making that shit up, it’s really in there.

In my next post, I’m planning on getting personal. Secrets will be revealed. (cue oohs and aahs) With that in mind, I want some questions. I want YOU to send me questions about lemons, rec’s to lemons you love, rec’s to lemons you hate. Hell, write me a damn lemon and send it to me. And I want comments. Lots of comments.

'Till Next Time...

Chick

Carolinagirl1275 Happy Birthday

So...today is my fic Wifey's birthday, so to celebrate, DarkNnerdy, Sushi Loves Whitlock and I, decided to make you something a little special.  First though we'd like to wish you a happy birthday...

And therefore, without further ado...we give you your birthday present.  We all love you, sweetie!

 

 

“Merry fuckin’ Christmas douchebag’s!” A slightly crazy woman screamed from her car to the unsuspecting people of Wal-Mart with a cheery smile.

It had been a long day for the woman who looked like she enjoyed terrorizing the elderly as they passed her by. To her this was holiday cheer at its finest.  Nothing warmed her heart more than to spread Christmas cheer to the strangers, since her husband had left her alone by herself in the car and she had no booze to warm her on this cold night, she wanted these old people to know she cared. 

With another hard slam of her hand onto the steering wheel the horn blared, and an old lady jumped causing the crazy woman to cackle. It wasn’t long before the men started to walk by and her rants became louder and turned into cat calls. None of them really deserved the praise from her but she reasoned that it would be better than hitting them with her car, after all, another arrest on her record would definitely lead to jail time. Something her husband was sure to blame her for again.

“Happy fuckin’ Holidays old people!” She sang out while abusing her horn and giving them all the finger. Her smile got brighter when she saw a woman staring at her and she simply blew her a kiss then made a suggestive hand gesture before blowing the horn at her.

The woman looked pissed, the crazy bitch in the car thought but shrugged and went about caroling in her own special way until the pissed one knocked on her window.

At first she ignored the knocking and only matched it with horn blows. But then it turned into annoying tapping and the woman just couldn’t keep up, she believed herself a champion hand job queen but this was beginning to threaten that title for her and so she stopped, jerked open her door and stood face to face with the knocker.

“Something I can do for ya, buttercup?” The horn blower asked while placing her hand on her hips indicating that she was ready to jump if the other felt froggy.

“The name’s Gemma, sugar. And what the fuck is your problem?” This Gemma woman asked her looking slightly amused at the crazy lady.

“So many things but today I’m bored.” Crazy lady said simply before leaning back into her car and honking the horn at a man on a scooter.

“That’s rude.” Gemma said to her as she watched the poor man scoot along at a little over one and half miles an hour.

“You come over here and interrupt my private time and you think what I just did to him was rude? Go away lady.” Crazy said and went to get back in the car, tired of being out in the cold and talking to this woman.

“I don’t think so.” Gemma said slamming the door before Crazy could get away.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Crazy shouted about to lunge for the woman but was stopped with an attempted hit and run by the scooter man.

Crazy hit the hood of her car slightly hard and with no sound as the man laughed at her.

It was Gemma’s turn to inhale some crazy of her own. Before anyone could see, she was on top of the man screaming and biting at his neck. When Crazy looked up she saw that New Gemma looked to be enjoying herself and cackled as she took the opportunity and jumped on the man’s scooter.

Now Crazy could have left New Gemma all to herself with scooter man but she felt a new kinship to this woman who she wanted to attack earlier. She had sort of saved her from the weird man and she felt she couldn’t just leave her. Crazy started the scooter quickly and with a hard hit to the gas, she bumped Gemma in the ass and laughed as she fell in.

“No, don’t go pretty lady.” Scooter Man screamed out and tried to chase them down but Crazy threatened to back over him and he stopped and offered New Gemma his name and number.

They now knew to stay away from Scooter Peter.

Gemma and Crazy stayed quiet as they rode slowly into the entrance of Wal-Mart. Crazy could feel the jealousy coming from Gemma though and when she spotted another cart she immediately went to it.

“Excuse me you don’t look disabled.” The receipt checker said walking over to them and holding up her hand to stop them.

“It’s because of my penis isn’t it?” Crazy asked and Gemma didn’t even look surprised she only gave the woman a hard look and stepped down.

“What?” The receipt checker asked looking shocked.

“My penis. You don’t want me riding this cart because I have a penis. What kind of bullshit is that?” Crazy asked loudly and waving her arms wildly.

Customers started gathering around them then and the receipt checker just stood there staring at Crazy.

“A woman comes in with a penis and you just wanna let her walk with it? What if I bruise it? Or worse it falls off because I stepped on it?” Crazy asked seriously and Gemma slowly made her way over to the other scooter starting it up.

“Ma’am I have no idea…” The woman stopped short unable to put words together.

“Say it.” Crazy demanded. “Out loud, say PENIS!” Crazy said her face straight yet dominating.

“Please just take the cart and go” The woman said trying her best to just get rid of the crazy woman.

“S’all I wanted” Crazy told her and followed Gemma on her scooter cackling yet again.

“There is seriously something wrong with you.” Gemma told Crazy as she shook her head laughing at her new best friend.

“And me honking and screaming profanities at old people wasn’t a dead give away?” Crazy asked her shrugging.

Crazy took the lead then and let them over to the cold cuts.

“What’s your name?” Gemma asked as she stopped the scooter alongside Crazy.

“If you pick out one of these tubes of meats, then I will tell you but if not then I give you nothing.” Crazy told her cryptically but Gemma knew for some odd reason that she could trust her new crazy friend and began handling the long tubes of meat making sure to pick the thickest and longest ones.

“Good choice.” Crazy commented at Gemma’s meat and picked up her own tube and shoved it in the cart before taking off again.

“You can call me Nerdy by the way.” Crazy Nerdy said as she took off towards more aisles.

“Alright Nerdy, care to tell me why we have Salami?” Gemma asked amused.

“Not really but I am supposed to have a penis, among other things. You’ll find out my plans soon enough.” Nerdy told her as she looked up and down aisles.

Soon they reached the end of the food section and Nerdy came to a halt turning her body towards Gemma.

“I need you to go find battle gear.” Nerdy said with a small evil smile.

“Ummm, ok?” Gemma said but it came out as more of a question.

“I need you to go find something that will protect your body Gemma” Nerdy said sighing and then took off.

The last thing Gemma heard before taking off on her own was Nerdy’s cackle and you could see Gemma’s body shudder a little wondering what the hell she was getting herself into playing with a mental patient.

Twenty minutes and an entirely different wardrobe later, both Nerdy and Gemma took off looking for the other.

Nerdy was the first to spot Gemma and the evil smile spread wide across her face as she did.

“GEMMAAAAAAA!!!” Nerdy hollered out like Rambo and Gemma jumped.

When they both came to a stop side by side Gemma noticed all the different gadgets that Nerdy had in her basket. There where walkie-talkies and face paint and baby oil.

“Here.” Nerdy said shoving half of everything at Gemma “You’ll need this just in case.” She said to her and Gemma took it all willingly.

“Now I need to know if you’ve ever jousted?” Nerdy asked her as she settled back into her scooter.

“No. Why?” Gemma asked

“Sword fight it is.” Nerdy said to herself and began laughing again before pulling the cowboy hat on her head and covering her face with a bandana.

Gemma followed suit and took the Megatron mask she had found and put it over face. They both had no idea but they were each doing their own versions of the war face behind the mask and snickering at themselves.

“We shall fight to the death of our salami’s” Nerdy said to Gemma before smacking her in the arm with her tube of meat.

“Damn it Nerdy!” Gemma said watching as Nerdy took off waving the meat wildly in the air around her proud of herself.

They both fought each other; neither one getting up much speed and Nerdy kept hitting people causing her to lose her advantage. Gemma would smack Nerdy in the face with her meat and Nerdy would scream out about buying her dinner first.

When one girl would turn down one aisle, the other would try and cut them off at the end of it both ending up waving their meat like they were having a bitch fight before taking off again.

Gemma hadn’t had so much fun with meat in a long time and was thankful that she had found Crazy tonight.

Nerdy on the other hand knew her meat well and played with it as often as possible even if it was in the company of total strangers. She wielded it here like a pro and Gemma was impressed with the way Nerdy gripped the tube.

When it had been almost an hour of meat beating both had finally come face to face with one another on separate ends of the food section and just waited for a move to be made.

“This is getting’ intense folks.” Someone announced over the intercom and both of the meat tube girls looked up startled. They had been so into the game that they had forgotten they were even in Wal-Mart.

“They have beaten so much meat that there’s only the tip left.” The voice said again and the meat beating women looked at each other with determination.

“Oh, they got their game face on” Announcer lady said with a chuckle before shutting up again.

Both of the crazy women looked down at their weapons when the announcer stopped not even realizing they were desperately holding onto the last shred of meat.

Before they could look back up all hell broke loose and they both took off like a bat out of hell.

“Get-R-Done, ladies!” Announcer laughed over the speakers.

There were boxes flying and stock boys crying as Nerdy started throwing shit into the air trying to hit Gemma with anything she could. Her only destination and focus was getting to meat girl she noticed earlier. Nerdy missed the feeling of meat in her hands and it pushed her harder and faster.

When she reached the end of and isle she noticed Gemma was nowhere to be seen and she let her ninja skills take over and just ran.

Gemma though, was being smart about it. She knew of the meat woman Nerdy was looking for and was watching her back as it was flat against the paper towels.

Nerdy was running up and down the aisle when she stopped, spotting the perfect weapons to get her to the meat: Toilet Paper. She scooped up as much as she could in her arms and when she turned she saw the form of Gemma and smiled.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!” Nerdy screamed launching the toilet paper over the aisle like bombs at Gemma and just as Gemma turned around wondering what the fuck Crazy Nerdy was doing now, she was smacked right in the face by Charmin.

When she finally opened her eyes, there was Nerdy smiling coyly and waving sweetly to her before it turned into a full blown smirk and the wave turned into the two fingers she had no doubt Nerdy was well known for.

“You’re fucking crazy, Crazy!” Gemma exclaimed just as the bombs Nerdy threw started falling all around her. Gemma was jumping like mad as the toilet paper hit the ground and she was trying desperately to hold down her boobs down and keeping them from smacking around. She had, had this problem so many times and cursed out loud for not wearing a sports bar to keep those suckers locked down.

“Clean up on aisle 6. Watch out for the ladies in that area they are highly trained in meat beatings and they are not afraid to use it. I repeat, deadly meat seeking women and cleanup on aisle 6.” The announcer said before going back to laughing at Gemma and Nerdy’s antics around the store.

People all over the store could hear the war cries from the women as they started smacking each other with random items as they ran from one another and before long, people were lining up their buggies to watch the scene play out. Poppycock was being passed around and the announcer was directing people to refreshments.

You could hear the announcer’s voice crack with every comment she had about what was playing out for the customers but she kept her composure long enough to describe it and as soon as she stopped, laughter would fill the air.

She was in awe of the women and their skill and intensity for the sport. She was also a little jealous that she was stuck up here and not down with them fucking up her store. It only took one look into her small screen of the security room to see though that she could be a part of this.

“Focus women!” The announcer said suddenly and both Nerdy and Gemma released the hostages they had been holding for cover from flying objects.

“Get to the meat now! Move your asses ladies!!” She said. And they both took off still throwing shit at one another before stopping suddenly in front of the meat girl and a piece of shit man that was arguing with her.

Nerdy suddenly got a gleam to her eyes that Gemma noticed and she grew very suspicious of the crazy inside of her and what she might really do if provoked. To Gemma, Nerdy was a rare breed. The kind that you approached with caution and never made eye contact with. Right now though Crazy Nerdy was out to play and had only eyes for the man stalking towards Meat Girl.

When Nerdy dropped her items and didn’t flinch when they clang to the floor, Gemma knew she meant bidness.

“Sic’m Nerdy!” Announcer said and Gemma laughed seeing how closely she was paying attention to Nerdy’s new stance.

Crazy Nerdy wasted no time in her actions and jumped on Meat Girl’s attacker like a spider monkey in heat. She bucked on his back, throwin her hand up in the air like she was riding a bull and then did a move that Gemma wasn’t even sure she saw resulting in the man laying flat on the floor passed out.

Nerdy stood up, wiped off her clothes and checked herself over once before shrugging and smiling.

“Hell yes! I told these idiots we needed a mechanical bull here. Look at what we’ve been missing.” 

Announcer mused to the customers who all nodded in agreement.

Meat Girl then ran over to Gemma while Nerdy walked behind the counter like she owned it and came back out a few minutes later carrying three large salami’s, small rope and what looked like whipped cream.

“You know what? I’m not even gonna ask this time.” Gemma said looking at Nerdy.

“It’s usually best if you don’t.” Nerdy said smiling brightly.

“I like a girl who cares about meat.” The announcer said interrupting the two crazy women on the floor.

Nerdy waved her salami up to the cameras wildly before handing Meat Girl and Gemma one of their own then went over to the man who was still passed out and grabbed one of his feet dragging him across the floor.

“You gotta name Meat Girl?” Nerdy asked as she stopped in front of the bench just outside of McDonalds and hoisted the man next to the scary ass clown.

“Sushi.” Meat Girl said as she watched Nerdy tie the man directly beside the clown shoving, a small salami in his mouth.

Both girls looked along with the announcer wondering why when Nerdy shrugged “It’s my calling card.” She said before grabbing the whip cream and going to town.

All anyone heard coming from the direction of Nerdy was grunts and moans, once there was a slap but no one is sure if she did it to herself or the man or hell even the clown.

When everything settled down Nerdy finally turned around towards the ladies with a sly grin on her face and looked up at the cameras before turning to Gemma and Sushi.

“Gemma, Sushi, girl with the microphone who I think I love, I would like you to meet my Mona Lisa.” Nerdy said with jazz hands and stepped aside.

Everyone including the customers gasped when Nerdy revealed her creation. Sitting next to Ronald McDonald was the man/woman. He had a whipped cream bikini, thigh highs and heels, and there was even bright pink eye shadow with blood red lipstick to match the heels. His arms were tied around Ronald’s waist while his hands rested comfortably in Ronald’s lap and there was a huge smile on both the dummies’ faces.

“See, he likes it.” Nerdy said as she bent over pinching his cheeks.

“What the fuck is wrong with her?” Sushi leaned over asking Gemma.

“I gave up trying to figure that out when she had the receipt checker screaming about her penis.” Gemma said with a sigh, remembering that little adventure.

“She has a penis?” Sushi asked wide-eyed the trying to look Nerdy over to find it without being caught.

“I have no idea.” Gemma said chuckling.

“Like what ya see, doll face?” Nerdy asked Sushi grinning.

“What?” Sushi asked a little bewildered.

“I see you looking at me looking at you looking at me.” Nerdy said confusing the hell out of Sushi.

“It’s best not to even try.” Gemma said with confidence. She had tried to figure out her new best friend but in the end, felt it better not to even attempt something like that. And anyway she had a feeling whatever medication Nerdy was most definitely on, she might have to take also if she went any deeper into her mind. 

That had to be one scary, fucked up place but Nerdy was having fun and that’s what mattered.

When Gemma came back into reality she was slightly worried at what she was seeing.

There in front of her was Sushi on Nerdy’s back as they ran around in front of her both digging into Nerdy’s bag and throwing out whatever it was at Gemma. They we’re giggling and making noises Gemma had never heard before and hoped she’d never hear again.

“You’ve ruined her Nerdy, you know that? One minute alone with her and she’s on your back like a midget wrangling a pony.” Gemma said shaking her head.

“I like midgets.” Both Nerdy and Sushi said at the same time and fist bumped completely ignoring what Gemma was saying.

SMACK!

Both Nerdy and Sushi got Gemma right in the face with their salamis.

But before Gemma could retaliate, the announcer came over the speaker panicked.

“RUN GIRLS!!!” She said almost out of breath. As soon as her voice cut off, Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi cut in and the entire store was humming with it.

Nerdy didn’t even drop Sushi; she just took off, salami in hand leaving Gemma to look around confused until she saw the security guy heading straight for her.

“Shit! Nerdy?” Gemma said as she ran between aisle’s hoping to spot her psychotic friend.

“Here.” Nerdy said popping up behind Gemma pulling her into a large stack of paper towels. “Put this on. They can’t touch you in it.” She said as she handed Gemma the bottle.

She was about to ask what it was when she noticed both Sushi and Nerdy were shiny and wet. Not only that, but they had black war paint on their faces and Nerf guns strapped to their sides.

“What the…How the fuck…You brought her to the dark side.” Gemma said at a loss as she smacked her forehead.

“Hey now, you have a standing invitation. You can come anytime you like.” Nerdy said shoving the baby oil again at Gemma. “Take it and lube up.” Nerdy told her while she poked her head out looking around for the security guy.

Sushi looked at Gemma expectantly and Gemma took the baby oil and rubbed herself with it until she had a similar shine.

“Now what?” She asked the others.

“He’s on your trail ladies.” Announcer lady said over the intercom, interrupting their theme music.

“Now we run!” Nerdy said screaming like a banshee as she ran out of their hidey hole with Sushi right behind her.

Gemma heard it then: the loud sound of Nerdy’s Nerf gun firing off rounds and Sushi trying to take cover.

“Eat it bitches!” Nerdy screamed out as she shot at the Paul Blart wannabe.

As soon as he came into view though, Nerdy stopped all actions.

There in front of her looking like sex in boots, stood a blond haired man holding a taser. Even though the man was hot as fuck, Nerdy never lost focus and never came to battle unprepared.

Gemma and Sushi watched as Nerdy stuck her hand into her bag and brought back out a light saber. Ninja Nerdy came out to play then.

“You will not defeat me.” Nerdy said but her lips didn’t match the words. She was channeling Bruce Lee and all the horrible ninja movies she’d ever seen.

“I’ll take you down like a baby cow.” Paul Blart wannabe cop said as his spurs hit the linoleum floor.

“I like to be tied up, cowboy.” Nerdy said losing focus for a minute before her eyes hardened and she took a step forward.

“Get him Nerdy, make him squeal like a pig!” Sushi cheered on as she watched the scene before her pulling out her Nerf gun and landing a shot in the cop’s head.

“The cops are on their way you need to stop this shit and come with me.” Paul Blart said trying to sound authoritative.

“Fuck that, I ain’t going back to jail.” Nerdy told him as she unloaded her Nerf gun into him along with Sushi and Gemma.

They had both stayed on the sidelines while Nerdy had her standoff but now they were locking arms with their crazy sister and willing to fight to the death.

“Get the salami.” Gemma said to them as the wannabe cop came towards them.

Each girl took a defensive stance holding the large meat in their hands like they had been doing it for years and readied themselves for whatever the cop was going to bring.

“Time to taste my meat whistle.” Nerdy said as she took off towards Paul Blart waving her meat madly.

The other girls had to stop; their laughter getting the best of them. Nerdy was crazy as fucking hell but she made this shit fun and they couldn’t help but laugh and watch her in action as she tried to beat the cop with meat.

Every time Nerdy would whack him with the meat, he would double over and Nerdy would step back and flip him off before charging at him again.

“Is that all you got, pretty boy?” Nerdy asked as she smacked him in the neck with it and it broke in half. 

With wide-eyes, each girl watched as he took a step in Nerdy’s direction, taser lit and ready to attack.

But just as he was about to make contact, there was a cry heard from a few aisles over and all three of the girls turned away from the crazy, taser carrying Wal-Mart cop to see what was going on. The cop tried to make his move then but just as the he should have made contact, the screams came closer and only few words were spoken before the cop was attacked.

"I'm Chuck Norris, bitch!" The announcer women screamed in his face before jumping on top of him.

The three girls all stood there in shock as the announcer woman, from now on known as Chick Norris, literally tore into the security cop.  Well, his tore into his clothes.  Nerdy, New Gemma and Sushi all looked ok; each of them nodding slowly and making identical faces that screamed of impressed.  Then each of them fished out their cell phones and began to record the impromptu porn session that was unfolding before them.

Security Cop’s taser was forgotten by him as it skidded across the floor in his surprise from the attack, his shock soon turned to full on ‘fuck me, yes!’ lust and he made it his mission to relieve Chick Norris of her clothes.

Nerdy darted forward, making sure to keep her phone on them, and grabbed the taser up off the floor.  New Gemma and Sushi weren’t sure whether that was a good idea or not, but they simple shrugged and turned back to the Wal-Mart porn.  By now, Security Cop and Chick Norris were full out wrestling.  The girls honestly couldn’t tell you if they were still trying to have sex or if the nakedness was simply a by-product of Chick Norris’ enthusiasm.  But then the girls saw something.  Something that was huge and impressive, thick and long and hard.  It kinda reminded Nerdy and New Gemma of the salamis that they had been jousting with at the beginning of all of this.

“Fuck me, that thing’s huge!” Nerdy whispered, looking flushed and bright eyed and smirk spread across her face.

“Uh huh, now that’s the kind of thing I wouldn’t mind being speared on!” Sushi whispered soon after.

“Fuck, fucking me backwards with a rolling pin, I wanna be fucked any which way I can by that cock right there.” New Gemma commented, all three girls heads cocked to the side to get a better look.

That was when Chick Norris caught sight of it, she looked like a fat kid that’d come down stairs to find the room full of chocolate on a Christmas morning.  The girls all watched as Chick Norris still her movements, crawling her naked ass forward, her eyes trained on Security Cop’s impressive and gargantuan appendage.

Security Cop laid back on his elbows, a sexy ass smirk on his face and his tight abs on show. “I always knew you wanted a piece of General Lee, Darlin’.”

A look of awe spread over Chick Norris’ face, “General Lee?” she whispered with utter reverence.

Nerdy, New Gemma and Sushi all looked at each other, totally fucking confused.  They each shared a “one should shrug and the universal ‘just go with it’ face” and carried on watching.

Chick Norris’ body language became predatory, Security Cop tensed at the sudden change.  All three girls waited with baited breath for what was gonna happen next.  Sound seemed to disappear as the tension mounted, seconds ticked by that felt like hours, a bead of sweat trickled down Security Cops face and then 

Chick Norris smiled.  It wasn’t happy or pretty...it was ‘I'm gonna eat you’. 

Security Cop looked scared.

Nerdy, New Gemma and Sushi didn’t blame him.

“This is how it’s gonna be, Sugar.  Hard...and...fast.  I'm gonna ride you like the cowboy you are and you’re gonna fuckin enjoy, we understandin each other?”  Chick Norris said; her voice a demand.

Even the three spectators nodded.

Security Cop swallowed, General Lee twitched, and Security Cop finally found his voice, “Yes ma’am.”

And then she was on him, Chick Norris just fucking mounted him.  The three girls were wishing that they had number cards so that they could each show their appreciation of the move with a full house of 10.00s.  Chick Norris was impressive, she rolled her hips, bounced, leant back and grabbed onto his legs or his balls; she had her legs behind her, in front of her, wrapped around him. 

It was like the Cowgirl category in the Sexual Olympics.

“Look at that ass and thighs; it’s like she was made to save horses.” Sushi said.

Nerdy nodded, “Fuck yeah; I wonder if she holds classes.  I can always impart my hand job wisdom upon the world.”

“I wanna ride on the Security Cop stallion!” Gemma whimpered, stomping her foot and pouting.

All three girls new that they would be keeping this video for later.

“Oh...yeah, ride me, Baby!  Take General Lee and make him yours...oh...fuuuck...that’s it, Darlin...own him...own my cock!” Security Cop moaned, groaned, fucking shouted out towards the end.

“You like that?” Chick Norris asked, moving her feet to sit either side of his chest, her hands behind her as she worked and moving up and down General Lee: Cock of excellence.  “You’re my bitch now, mine, ain’t no one out that that can ride you like I can.” She paused for a moment, glaring at him.  Security Cop whimpered.  The crazy voyeuristic threesome sniggered.  “Say it...say who owns your tight ass...who owns your cock, Sugar?” then she actually growled “Say it!”

“You...you own my cock...you, just please fuckin move.  I need you to move, please.” New Gemma wondered if Security Cop might cry if Chick Norris kept still much longer.

With a devious smile on her face, Chick Norris rolled her hips.  Just once.  One long, deep and drawn out roll that had the three girls shifting where they stood and Security Cops eyes rolling back into his head.  Then she stopped. 

This time it was all four that whimpered.

“Who owns you, Sugar?” Chick Norris asked, slowly...seductively.

Security Cop looked confused, close to panic even.  Until a look of realization graced his features, “Chuck Norris owns my cock.”

Chick Norris grinned, rolling her hips once more, throwing her head back and groaning in appreciation, “Damn straight, Sugar.”

New Gemma leaned in closer to the other girls and whispered, “Am I the only one that was freaked out by that?”

“Probably not,” Nerdy pitched in, “But it was still hot as hell.”

Sushi was lost for words.

Security Cop had a good grip on Chick Norris’ hips, occasionally running them up her sides and grabbing at her boobs.  Whatever the hell he was doing to Chick Norris’ nipples seemed to be working, cause she was now mewling out her pleasure, her hips moving faster, grinding herself against him.

It was pretty fucking obvious that she was about to explode like the Fourth of July.

And oh boy...did she.

Nerdy, New Gemma and Sushi all wondered whether the noise Chick Norris made as she came would literally bring the Wal-Mart down.  Sushi was sure she saw the windows shake.

Of course, Security Cop a.k.a Gargantuan Cock of Awesomeness, wasn’t about to follow her.  Not straight away.  He used her post-orgasmic blissed out state to get the advantage and flip positions.  Chick Norris was now flat on her back with Security Cop pounding into her. 

She was mewling again.

Nerdy, New Gemma and Sushi thought it might be best to protect their ears this time round.

Security Cop threw one of Chick Norris’ legs over his shoulder, the other he pressed down to her side so that her knee touched her ribs.  Then he fucked her.  He fucking fucked her silly.  The skin slapping, heavy breathing, mewling and moaning had taken over everything.  The five people were in their own little bubble.  

All that existed in their surreal little world was the sex.

The three girls each had their heads titled to the side as they watched this fine specimen of a man go for Gold.  The girls breathing hitched, their hearts beat madly as they watched, transfixed.  The air seemed to buzz with lust, sex and desire and then the Chick Norris was screaming again, her head flailing back and forth, her eye squeezed shut.  Security Cop followed this time, roaring out something unintelligible as he erupted like Mount fucking Vesuvius.

Nerdy half expected it to shoot out of the top of Chick Norris’ head.

“Merry fucking Christmas!” Nerdy exclaimed.

“And a fucking Happy New Year!” New Gemma breathed out.

“Can it be my turn next?” Sushi asked.

Sushi’s comment shook Nerdy out of her post-voyeurism-hot-as-fuck-sex coma, she realized that they needed to move. 

“We gotta get the fuck outta here.” Nerdy screamed and ran over to Chick Norris grabbing her up.

“Bye Big Dick Daddy, maybe some other time.” Nerdy said to the passed out cop as she took off running with the Chick Norris.

“Oh Tripod, I’m going to enjoy this video for a long time.” Sushi said smiling as she leaned down disappointed that she wasn’t going to get her turn today but settled for a kiss on the cop’s cheek and took off after Chick and Nerdy.

“Here’s my number, Stallion.” Gemma said shoving the piece of paper into his boxers and copping a feel before running from the scene.

“That is a damn fine man we just left back there, ladies” Gemma said as she caught up to the others who were trying to break the back door open.

It clicked in Nerdy’s head then. No man behind. And she looked at the others before taking off in a mad dash back to Paul Blart.

The others looked around confused; Chick still in the state she was taken away in but slamming her body into the door with just as much effort as the others.

“Pretty sure she does this shit all the time. She’ll be back.” Gemma said and they all shrugged.

When the door finally broke they saw a very disheveled Nerdy lugging a foot over her shoulder.

“Do you carry men around like that often?” Chick Norris asked a little concerned.

“Sometimes.” Nerdy said as she revealed the taser happy cop behind her.

“Come on bitches, I ain’t got all day; this fucker is heavy. How we getting outta here?” Nerdy asked as she drug the unconscious cop out the door hitting his head on the concrete.

“Hey, hey watch the pretty.” Sushi said as she bent down stroking his hair.

“This way, I have been waiting so long to use these.” Chick Norris said to the girls and the followed listening as the sirens got closer.

Chick ran ahead of them and to a container. With one kick to the lock, the doors flew open and Chick cackled madly impressed with her own work.

“Damn it Nerdy you got to her too. I can’t leave you alone with anybody.” Gemma said as she looked at Nerdy who was still holding on to the cop.

“Oh no, that bitch was badass before I ever got close to her.” Nerdy said with a bright smile.

“Come on ladies!” Chick said bringing them all to the present.

As soon as they walked into the container they saw four very powerful scooters and they all were in awe of Chick Norris.

“There’s a cage on the back of that one. Throw Jasper inside of it and lets haul ass.” Chick said as she threw the keys at the girls and they started up their scooters.

The engines roared to life and the girls squealed in delight.

Nerdy threw Jasper the Cowboy Cop into the cage and smiled as she locked it tightly before jumping on and listening to it purr to life beneath.

“I love you, Chick Norris.” She said wiping away a tear from her eye. Sushi and Gemma both nodded frantically in agreement as they hoped onto their own scooters.

“Let’s roll!” Chick said as she took off into the back of the lot the sun setting and nothing but shadows of the four ladies could be seen as they headed into the direction of another place to terrorize.

So...we hope you liked it!!!  And once more...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  oh and a little something extra...